I Lost Her

Almost exactly 6 years ago, I had one of the hardest days of my life. I went from pregnant, expecting my third child and waiting to get my first glimpse of her.

And then the next moment, I was being told that I wasn’t going to get to meet her. At least, not on this side of heaven.

Having to re-live this period of my life was so much more difficult that I could ever imagine.

I remember the day we realized I was pregnant. We were looking forward to adding another child to our family.

As with all of my pregnancies, I began to get sick. Really sick. I wasn’t worried about the baby. I had already gone through this two times before. The sickness is always awful, but the baby is always fine.

My emotions were all over the map. Realizing I would now have more children than hands was unsettling.

The day we went for our first ultrasound we filled with joy.

And then the technician told me that the baby wasn’t there. She couldn’t find her. They did a few more tests, and then told me that the pregnancy wasn’t viable.

I was so broken in the days that followed.

And then I clearly recall deciding that the enemy wasn’t going to have this one.

I wasn’t going to blame God. I wasn’t going to withdraw from my husband. I wouldn’t spend my days crying, but celebrating the beautiful children I already had.

And I would know that my baby only ever knew love and safety. She was loved before we ever met her. And I look forward to meeting her when I get to Heaven.

Reliving this was more cathartic than I ever would have thought.

I had always somewhat blamed myself. I was so unsure how I would manage with three kids. Did I somehow cause this?

I had the chance to fully forgive myself for this. To realize that I am not powerful enough that my doubts could cause me to lose my baby.

And as I shared my story, I began to find a lot of women I knew has suffered the same loss.

In my own circle of friends, it actually worked out to be more than the one in four. Heartbreakingly more.

Entrance into this group is so hard. But we all knew how the other had felt. And was still feeling.

I wrote my feelings down. I relived the memories. And I released them.

I lost her. But I found community. I found a renewed relationship with my husband. I pursued Jesus like never before. I hugged my kids and loved ones every chance I got.

I loved. I used whatever light I had to drown out the darkness. I triumphed over the shadows.

God was my comfort. And I knew that He was holding my baby. That she was up there, waiting to meet me. Watching me. And His love was felt by both of us.

Friend, I don’t know what losses you have experienced. I do know that each and every one is different. That they will change you deep inside. And I also know that no matter how alone you felt in that loss, you were never alone. And His hands will bring beauty to your brokenness. He will put the pieces of your heart back together. And that your story can be the very answer to someone else’s prayers.

If you are having a hard time right now, please reach out to someone. And know that asking for help is the bravest thing you can do right now. And that taking care of your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for the loved ones you have given to us. I thank you for the love that you have shown me. Today, I lift up all of those who are lonely and hurting. I pray that they would feel your peace that is beyond explanation. That you would heal their hearts and show them the plans you have for them. Plans for a good and beautiful future.

If you are feeling lonely or broken, please feel free to leave a comment. I would be honoured to lift you up in prayer.


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